The chapter numbering is a little confusing so if this is your first time here and you are interested in reading more then I would recommend starting at the index where each of the chapters are ordered in the manner that they are meant to be read.
After the last chapter, which focused on Oli, the novel switches back to the present and focuses on the main character's, Dan, descent.
Jo stopped talking to Dan from then on, as if he stopped existing in her eyes. Over the following couple of weeks they passed each other occasionally in the hallways and sometimes he made it down to the shared room and each time there was no acknowledgement. Dan could hardly blame her; it felt like he had been holding on to her with one hand and pushing her away with the other for over 10 months.
Dan thought about trying to fix things, make things go back to the way they were. Every time he thought about it there was another part of him that found the very concept, that things could be resolved to be ridiculous.
The strangest part was that he had expected to feel something else, some kind of pain or loss, but it never came. Dan slowly started to realise that he had, in some way, become accustomed to being miserable and that Jo ignoring him was just a drop in the Ocean of unpleasant things that had occurred in the last year.
Dan started smoking heavily during the day he spent it with Isaac and Duck, in the evening he would go to his room to drink and smoke then repeat the process all over again.
Laine was a topic not to be spoken of, after that night in Dan's room she had latched onto Craig and the two of them had sort of become a couple. Isaac had not taken it well so now the two former friends had a rota for looking after the vegetables and weed that meant they didn't see each other.
Dan found he really didn't care either which way, but Isaac was still his friend and so he found himself on the Blonde's side over Phil B's brother.
He became vaguely aware that a month had passed and found it odd that he had not been made to go on any raids with the rest of the crew. He mentioned it to Duck and Isaac and they said that Phillip had asked him to go but he'd been so wasted that he couldn't string words together and that Phillip had taken the new guy, Andy, along instead.
“Oh shit.” Dan half smiled to himself. “When was that?”
Neither of them could remember exactly.
It was about then that Dan decided he would paint his room.
There were some old cans of emulsion and some brushes in Duck's room so Dan dragged them to his place and locked himself in there with a ton of ganja and his CD player blaring. He started off with one colour then changed his mind on the second wall, then half way on that one he decided he'd rather make a mural. So he returned to the first wall and started on the design.
He put himself on there first, not really sure what to do next, he sat and looked at himself and smoked. The Dan on the wall had a frown on his face and that didn't seem right. Dan repainted himself so that the expression was a little less moody and a sly smile appearing at the edge of his mouth. That didn't seem quite right either but Dan had already spent too much time on himself so he moved on to depicting someone else.
As he did so he remembered someone telling him that pot was a drug that made you comfortable with being bored. He sat there for hours looking at his work and wondered about that, he wondered if it was true whether he was bored and whether he was indeed comfortable being that way. The sun came up and he concluded that even if he wasn't bored he was definitely comfortable. He went to bed and slept for a bit then got up and started painting while listening to recordings of DJ Henry Kissinger’s show that he hadn't heard before or maybe just forgotten.
He painted Nufonia next to the himself on the wall, she was holding his hand and smiling then he painted Isaac sitting on a sofa to their left and smoking a joint. This reminded him and he re-lit the joint in his other hand. Dan then did Jo who was sitting next to Isaac on the sofa; she was cool with Nufonia being alive, which made sense as they had always been friends even before . He didn't know who else to put in the mural so he sat back and smoked some more.
Joshua came into his room later. Dan had decided to paint his family on the second wall that he had started on; they were all at the beach.
“How's it going?” Joshua asked him, it was like he was talking to him from the end of a very long hallway, the music taking dominance over Dan's brain.
Dan just shrugged not wanting to look away from the painting.
“Those are pretty good.” Joshua commented, nodding towards the paintings on the wall. “I recognise you, Isaac and Jo.”
Dan shrugged.
“I brought you some food, didn't know if you were hungry.”
This made Dan finally turn around, food sounded like a great idea.
Joshua was staring at Dan with a concerned look on his face.
“What?” Dan asked suddenly finding himself a little paranoid.
“Nothing.” Joshua shrugged, still looking a little concerned, this made Dan more suspicious.
“No, seriously.”
“Just wanted to know how much longer you planned to stay in your room.”
Dan sat on his couch and started picking at the food on the plate that Joshua had brought in.
“It's just that you've been in here for 3 days now.” Joshua continued. “Some of us are getting a bit worried.”
Dan mulled over the information as he ate.
“I just want to finish the painting.” Dan said.
“Is this because of you and Jo?”
“Probably,” Dan found himself smiling. “I don't think so though.”
“So what's up?”
“Nothing is up.” Dan muttered. “I think that is the problem.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing is up.” Dan felt himself enunciating every word. “I, just, want, to, paint.”
Dan didn't look up but heard Joshua sigh.
“Enjoy the food.”
“Thanks.” Dan replied.
Dan finished his family the next day, they were on a beach in Spain or Portugal, he couldn't decide. His mother and father were watching his brothers and sister playing out on the sand while they themselves were holding cocktail glasses sitting on a blanket. Dan finally sat back and admired the hard work. The skin tone of each of the characters was off but that didn't matter, it looked like them. Dan started wondering if that could be real, that they could be alive and drinking mixed drinks while the rest of his family messed about. He fantasised about it, about being there himself.
Nufonia stroked his cheek and Dan smiled. She crouched behind him, her hand not leaving his cheek, her soft breath blowing against his hair and scalp.
“Are you okay?” She asked him softly.
“Not really.” Dan shrugged. “But let’s not spoil the moment.”
“Are you tired?”
“Not really.”
Dan felt a sudden sharp pain as Nufonia bit into his neck.
Dan opened his eyes, he was lying on the floor of his room with a paint brush still in his hand, and his other reached up to slap the stretch of skin where there should have been a wound. He dragged himself upright and started to search his body for cuts, incisions, anything.
His body was covered in stale sweat and paint that was glued to his pores but he wasn't bitten. He noticed he was crying and couldn't figure out why; his head was still groggy from too much pot over the last few days. His mouth was dried out and he could feel coagulated spittle down the side of his cheek.
He lay there and let the tears dribble out and crawl down the side of his face and into the chunks of his hair. Finally he summoned up the will to move and got up shakily and went out into the corridor. Isaac’s room’s door was wide open and he couldn’t see anyone in there. Dan shuffled out onto the stairs and looked around, straining to hear any sounds. There was nothing except the faint moans of the zombies outside.
He carried on up to the roof; the sun blasted his sensitive retinas as he pushed open the door. He squinted while he tried to make out if there was anyone out there. First he glanced towards the green house and he could make out possible huddled figures inside then he looked elsewhere and saw Laine sitting atop the wall facing the square.
Dan tried to go back down stairs but the girl had already turned around and seen him.
“'Ey Dan!” She shouted to him just before he had the chance to turn and pretend that he hadn't seen and heard her. “Want ta cigarette?”
They sat for a bit smoking some awful, beautifully awful, Gitanes brand that Dan had never heard of. Dan hoped that he could get all the way down to the second’s butt without starting anything, Laine clearly had other ideas.
“So, what you been up to?” She asked cheerfully as she looked across the square towards the sea.
“Just painting and getting stoned.” Dan said trying to drag down on the cigarette quicker.
“What were you painting?” She turned to look at him and smiled brightly.
“A mural.”
“Alright.” There was a twitch in her face that seemed like she was getting frustrated, that was quickly replaced with her cheery look again. “Everyone else's asleep. I took the opportunity to smoke while I don't 'ave ta share 'em.”
“You are sharing them with me.” Dan pointed out, flicking the used butt into the square.
“Yeah,” she said absently. “Well it's a peace offering.”
“What for?” Dan's mind flitted to Jo for a few seconds.
“I feel like, you don't like me.” Laine said, fishing another cigarette out of the packet and offering it to him.
Dan took it, lit it and then took a long drag.
“What makes you think that?” He asked not wanting to look at her. Not wanting her to answer either as he wasn't really sure what the reply would be. Jo certainly didn't like Laine, but then Jo didn't like him much at the moment. The rest of the people who had expressed any interest had simply wanted to have sex with Laine.
“I guess, 'cause of the whole Isaac and Craig thing.” Laine said solemnly.
Dan just stared at her while she did this wistful, long gaze towards the destroyed pier offshore.
“Well I don't know much about you Laine but I do know that I liked that sofa.” Dan struggled to come up with a good answer.
Laine just started laughing and looked back at him, her eyes sparkling.
“So you do have a sense of humour, then?”
“Err no-
“Ah meant that a lot of people are pissed off with me because I chose Craig 'stead of Isaac.”
“You know you could have chosen both of them.” Dan pointed out.
“Maybe I don't want either of 'em?” She gave him a knowing look.
Dan was a little thrown by the statement.
“Then why choose at all?”
Laine threw him a look that he couldn't interpret.
“Why are you playing games with them?” Dan pushed.
Laine turned to him looking slightly hurt, the cheeriness gone completely. She looked like she might say something else but instead turned her attention back to smoking her cigarette.
Dan sat there and let her take her time.
“Dan, we're all a bit broken aren't we?” She smiled vaguely at the ground below her, or maybe at her feet.
“I suppose.” Dan said, still not sure what she meant. “Is that why you climbed into my bed after that night with Craig and-
“No!” She snapped, her accent growing thicker in anger. “No, I did that 'cause Craig fell asleep on the couch and Isaac, the arsehole, didn't ask me tah join 'im when he went tah bed. I figured, 'cause you was sleeping in a double you wouldn't mind.”
“Oh.” Dan stumbled over the word almost ashamed for what he had thought.
“Look, don't worry about it.” She waved her hand at him while her other, cigarette between fingers, covered her eyes. “I just wanted to talk.”
“What about?”
“Stuff, you seem like an intelligent guy.”
“I just spent the last, I don't know how long, in my room. I'm not sure-
“It twas 6 days.” she looked at him now; Dan could see that her eyes were slightly teary. “You was in your room for 6 days.”
“Yeah, well. Maybe I'm not very clever.” Dan smiled.
“I just see you as this guy who's sort of outside of it all.”
Dan frowned, that was so far from the truth he wanted to tell her so.
“What's the deal with that older couple?” Laine asked without giving him time to respond to her previous statement.
“Not much, Maria is proud to be having a kid. Jay is cool, pretty detached. If you want someone with an outside perspective they are -
“What about Oli and Orfax? Are they always that fucked up?”
“Pretty much.”
“Why's that?” She leaned forward; Dan could smell some random fruit smell mingled with tobacco on her breath as she talked in his face.
“What else is there to do?” Dan pointed out. “I mean, once the danger is over all you have left is getting shit-faced.”
Laine shrugged energetically, all of the melancholy gone from her now.
“Are you and Jo still friends?” Laine leaned forward again. “I mean, I know you fell out.”
Dan looked at her; he could feel himself trying to formulate an answer. He was trying to figure out why she was asking him these questions when she clearly already knew a bunch of the answers.
“Sorry, sorry.” Elaine offered him another cigarette. “I didn't mean to stick me nose in.”
Dan wanted to tell her that it was way too late for that but didn't.
“And that creepy guy, Joshua, what's with 'im?”
“Joshua isn't creepy.” Dan protested. “He is actually really sweet, you just have to get to-
“No of course not.” Laine placed her hands on Dan's knee. “I'm sorry.”
“No really, Joshua is a nice guy.”
“Sure, sorry.” Laine smiled, it seemed that she thought it was supposed to be reassuring but it made Dan want to leave. “What about Phillip?”
This question jarred Dan more than the rest of the interrogation. What was the deal with Phillip? In Dan's fragile state he just wanted to tell this girl to get lost.
“How old are you?” Dan asked.
“20.” Laine replied, a little too quickly for his liking.
“No, really. How old are you?” Dan insisted.
“How old are you?” She countered cockily.
“I'm 27 in a couple of months.” Dan countered. “How old are you Laine?”
“Why do you care?”
“I answered your question, answer mine.”
“I already answered it.” She countered defensively.
“And I know you aren't twenty.” Dan said. “Unless you are really immature.”
“You think I'm immature?”
“That's not what I meant-
“You think I'm a little girl?” Laine almost snarled.
“I don't know.” Dan replied, not sure what to say.
This seemed to soften Laine's reaction. She produced another unopened pack of fags and broke the seal, the first was proffered to him and he took it.
“Not many people call me on it,” a grin flickered across her face. She jammed a cigarette into her own mouth. “I look old for my age you see, so I pretend I am.”
They both puffed on their butts.
“I'm actually 17.”
Dan spat his cigarette out.
He looked at her, she glared back.
“I thought you said you had had a boyfriend, a drug dealer?” He said.
“Please, Dan.” Laine looked at him disdainfully.
“I suppose.” Dan looked into the seething crowd of hands below, the ones that had taken his smoke.
“So what 'appened to Philip?” She asked again.
“I don't know.” Dan replied honestly. “He is really good at killing Camers-
“Camers?” Laine laughed.
“Yeah, he is good at killing them. I'm not sure whether he inspires us or it has to do with the fact that no one else has the balls to stand up to him.” Dan looked down at the scaffolding; Laine's hand appeared in view with another cigarette.
“Why do ya call ‘em Camers?”
“It is kind of silly.” Dan managed a smile. “There was this image of a Cameroonian football player on the front of some tabloid; he had a heart attack on the football pitch.”
“I remember that, it were dead creepy at the time.”
“Yeah, well the look on his face the way his eyes were staring up into the sky, not seeing anything. Reminds us of them. So – Camers.” Dan gestured out at the horde. "Then someone suggested it was kind of racist, I don't know why."
“I've been to ask, how the fuck do you put up with the noise?”
“After a while you stop noticing it and less you are trying to.” Dan replied. “When you rationalise they can’t get you it doesn’t matter so much.”
“How long have 'im and Caryn been going out?” Laine lit the cancer stick for him while he gripped it between his teeth. “Did they know each other before this shit happened?”
Dan's mind flashed back to the look he had seen on Phillip's face the day they had rescued Andy and Laine.
“They've been together for a long time.” Dan said grimly. “Forever, in fact.”
“Oh.”
Dan waited to see if she was going to say anything else, she didn't. So he swung himself back over the wall and walked back through the buckets that littered the roof.
Laine called him, he turned as he couldn't really absolve himself from their conversation.
“Thanks for talking.”
He tried to make a face like a smile, waved and walked back into the house and made his way back to his room. He sat down on his couch and stared at his mural for a bit wondering what the hell he was going to do next. Deciding on some booze, he reached under his bed and got a bottle of Vodka he had been saving. He took a few sips, the taste was clean and smooth. Before he knew it half a bottle was gone.
He got up to go and turn on his CD player and in righting himself he almost fell over but managed to catch the sofa and sit down instead. He managed to snake out an arm and catch the bottle of Vodka before pulling it towards him, unscrewed the cap and took another gulp, the liquid was almost complete tasteless, more tasteless than water Dan thought.
He closed his eyes and hummed the words to The Clash’s song, sung differently and took another drink.
Painting his room & memories of time spent in Portugal? Seems like dear Dan's getting autobiographical again...
ReplyDeleteGood portrayal of someone who's stuck in a downward spiral. Dan clearly seems extremely depressed to me, even if he doesn't seem to recognise it (or if he does, he's denying it).
There are some elements in every book that are autobiographical. You write about what you know.
DeleteAs for the depression... You write about what you know.