And what had you resolved? I mean think about it.
Iraq, Israel, Afghanistan, not that we paid all that much attention to that last country once you'd blown the shit out of it. North Korea, standing there, nuclear war ever imminent, but not imminent, at the same time.
Charlton Heston encouraging the fear of God in everyone by making America buy more guns. I can imagine that if there are any left alive, they're probably as safe as can be. Pot-shooting undead with their military modified M-16's that they bought from the local supermarket, or that they got free when they opened up their new bank account. Obviously I am exagerating, you can’t shoot an airbourne disease. An estimated half the population keeled over only just to get up to eat the other half.
But hey, whether you liked it or not. You were fucked way before the plague and zombies.
That said, the undead walk the earth now, but is that any different to the way it was before?
More and more of you were seeking love, friendship and sex on the Internet, using electronic means to find fulfillment. Children enjoying computer games more than sport, obesity levels increasing in lazy countries across the globe.
Self-help seminars being paid for by lost drones, searching for answers from some slick haired yuppie that couldn't find his arse with a flashlight, map and both hands untied, yet they know how to spell 'enlightenment' and that is good enough. It should be depressing if it wasn’t so fucking funny, the brain dead masses flocking to their supposed saviours and finding gratification in religions that tell us we are descended from aliens.
Diseases like bird flu, mad cow's disease and my personal favourite Foot and Mouth that create paranoia. Paranoia that makes people point fingers, which is encouraged by the government so that they can just say 'Aw heck it's those darn terrorists agin'.
You used to swallow it all like some skag addicted whore. All of you, okay maybe not all of you, but enough of you really believed that you'd die if you went near a penguin. You made bigger barriers between you and your neighbours most of you were cutting off any possible interaction with real people. Instead, learning all your facts about life from rap videos and celebrity magazines.
So here's a theory for you all.
You were already dead, long before zombies came along and started drilling the message home. Your satellite television, your fence to firmly sit on and swivel, nothing but middle ground and mediocrity with denial as the only tool.
I'm sorry no more pre-sliced white bread, no more micro-waveable meals, no more fast food or Steven Seagal movies. Now all you have is a clock, an invisible clock that counts down your time left on planet earth. Not that it wasn't there already just now you have to realise that life on earth can really, really suck.
What else is there left to do?
You tell me, you mindless, living dead. Now that it is over, you are living in expectancy of your own demise, waiting for that clock to stop.
Now I apologise for not being the biggest spreader of hope today, for not being the best father:
'I'm sorry son you can't have a new scooter, I spent it on crack.'
But I'm Henry Kissinger, and well, I don't have to be your bastion of hope.
I'm just going to let the music do the talking for me.
If anyone is listening, press record now. Here is Tricky and Martina Topley-Bird doing a cover of Public Enemy's 'Black Steel'. After that I might put on Aereogramme's 'No Really, Every thing's Fine' then, who knows?
Just remember, 'the suckers' don't have any authority now.
At least that's one consolation
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