1:
WELCOME TO THE HENRY KISSINGER SHOW!
Now seriously, I'm feeling a little pressured today, you know claustrophobic.
So I'm only going to play songs that involve flying or some kind of bird, or another flying beast.
... I've been thinking a bit more about this predicament we're in; I think that it is safe to say that:
a) Humanity is fucked, and;
b) I have too much time on my hands.
I wrote myself some fan mail yesterday, to celebrate my whatever-the-fuck-the-month-is-now anniversary. In fact, I think I'll read it on air:
“Dear Henry-Darling-Sweetie-Pie.
I have been a long time listener and I must say that your program just gets better and better. Though, there will always be a special place in my heart for the one you did on parrots and how they are controlling the world.
Could we please hear more of DJ Shitmat?
I would also like to know if he/she is likely to be doing any local gigs and will he/she be releasing any new material?
Yours sincerely with much love and kisses,
Henry Kissinger.”
Well... I must say thank you for taking the time to write me a letter, I am flattered by the fact that you adore me, I know I would if I were one of my fans. To answer your questions: I'm afraid that I have but one song of the esteemed Shitmat. Sadly, I do believe it is unlikely that we'll be hearing much more from him as it is very possible that he is dead.
Sorry Henry.
Anyway, if any of you non-existent listeners would like to write in to ask about anything else. I would be more than happy to answer. I do think it could be some time before the postmen get around to delivering, but feel free to use pigeons…
Okay after that little bit of narcissism, I think I'll start my little, shall we call it my 'thought of the day'?
Fuck it, that sounds about right.
Who is to blame? Seriously, why is it that people got sick? Why did the dead rise again? What does it all mean? Do my feet smell?
The answer, my children, to all but the last question is: Communism.
Now I can hear some of you gasping in disbelief that I would go so far as to accuse a political movement for all the world's wrongs. And I know what you are going to say:
“Henry, you can't do that. Surely the republicans or the conservatives of the globe should be first in the firing line? Surely after the Sibirskya power station went fucking nova they are above reproach?”
Now I believe I can convince you using very little actual evidence, and theories based as far from reality as you can get. Okay, now I shall begin.
You see, for years we fought the cold war, Capitalism versus Communism, each side trying to take control.
It was a bitter confrontation that took decades for the West to win; within hours of the iron curtains parting there was a McDonald's in Moscow.
Russia became embroiled in the money making ideas of the American way. Even Beverly Hills 90210 was translated. Communism in its purist form had been vanquished.
Or so we thought.
The thing was, it was just a ploy. Russia and its associates never gave up the fight, and although it looked like the Commies were encouraging large, faceless conglomerates to rape their countries for everything they had. They were in fact subverting these establishments.
Did you ever notice how much of the stuff you own or owned was made in the East?
Made you curious didn't it?
No?
Just me then.
The Philippines, right up until the end of world, funded their terrorist organisations. They did this so that these factions could blow up their own country, thus enabling them to get grants from the US of A to combat the 'terrorism' that they were encouraging.
That is something I find fucking hilarious. Not that it matters, oh, by the way thank you MILF for that information. MILF were a group of Philippines military that exposed this whole conspiracy and also had an unintentionally hilarious moniker.
The AK47 was the most widely used assault rifle in the world. Seen in such popular holiday destinations such as Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, Los Angeles, Bosnia, the list goes on.
It was not coincidence that corporations were allowed to create sweat shop work ethics in impoverished communist countries because the self-same so called ICC of China was rapidly attaining the kind of purchasing power that made the Brits tingle, with fear and excitement.
“Shit mate maybe we can get them to buy our shitty food!”
All this leads to the ultimate conspiracy.
I reckon they encoded whatever this virus was into all the equipment they produced for their new capitalist friends. Then when the time came that our markets were completely saturated with communist retail, they set it off. Boom. They got to sit back and watch as the world goes red.
There used to be these T-shirts that said “Better Dead, than Red”. Now these fuckers clawing at our walls and windows are both. To make the whole thing that much funnier the newly liberated Commie gits get to watch as nations of capitalists are served up an ironic joke. The ultimate consumers of the world, consuming themselves, call Romero a savant, call him what you will. Maybe I have just been watching the trilogy on repeat, I don’t know.
I can already hear you muttering:
“That's great Henry, but that sounds like another one of your crazy conspiracy theories. Arguably, no way near as mad as when you blamed pixies for all the ills we see today. Still nutty.”
And I suppose you're right. I just like to put my thoughts out there, give a little hope and happiness to the imaginary masses.
Well... I'll get on with the request from my number one fan.
The track is Nicky Blackmarket Ate My Hamster by the esteemed and adored DJ Shitmat.
Which, conveniently fits in with my theme today, I wanted flying rodents, and hamsters will fly if you throw them hard enough.
You know the spiel, press record now for aural delights.
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